YOU MADE YOUR BED
What is the Torah view about, “You made your bed; now lie in it”?
Mar Ukva supported a pauper in his neighborhood. Every day he made sure to slip some money through the door when the pauper was not home. One day, the pauper decided he would find out whom was his benefactor.
It turned out that it was on a day that Mar Ukva stayed later than usual to learn Torah in the Beis Midrash. Mar Ukva’s wife was aware of her husband’s charitable deeds and accompanied him that night to make the delivery. As soon as the money was dropped off, they left quickly. To their surprise, the pauper ran after them to see who they were.
They managed to come upon an oven, whose coals had been removed, but was still burning hot. Mar Ukva’s feet were becoming burned, while his wife’s, remained unaffected. She said he should remove his feet from the floor and step on hers. She had added protection, she claimed. Paupers would come to the house and find her there easily. Additionally, although Mar Ukva was generous in funds, she provided the paupers with ready-made food.
The Talmud asks why Mar Ukva went to such measures to run from the pauper and even put his life at risk by running into the oven. The Talmud cites a ruling and precedence for this behavior. “It is better that a person should surrender himself into a fiery furnace than that he should shame his fellow in public,” as demonstrated by Tamar.
Tamar had desired to have progeny from the line of Yehudah. She had been told by Yehudah that it would occur,[1] but when she saw that it hadn’t, she disguised herself as a harlot[2] and conceived from a liasoin she had orchestrated with Yehudah. Meanwhile, Yehudah was not aware of the identity of the harlot. When he had heard that she had conceived and was bearing twins, he issued a verdict. Tamar should be burned.[3]
Had It been revealed that Yehudah was the father, she would not have been sentenced to that fate. Tamar was willing to go into the fire rather than making public her innocence since it would have come about by sharing information that would have shamed Yehudah. Tamar did what she could in order to protect the honor of Yehudah. She sent two messengers to him. One of them had his personal possessions that he had left with her. The other messenger, who had not seen the possessions, was told to tell Yehudah, that the owner of the possessions is the father. Only Yehudah communicated with each of the messengers who did not interact with each other.[4] Yehudah independently made the choice to reveal his identity as the father, thereby sparing the life of Tamar.[5]
Mar Ukva and his wife ran from the pauper. Why? They were concerned that he would be embarrassed by seeing who they were. Why? Obviously, he didn’t care if they would face him. Why did they hide?
Although he was willing to have some interaction with his benefactor, he could not have imagined that it was a leader of the generation. Mar Ukva was head of the Rabbinical Court. Therefore, Mar Ukva wanted to spare his discomfort.[6]
But why was that Mar Ukva’s concern at all? Who asked the pauper to run after him? The whole issue arose because of the pauper’s doing. Why should Mar Ukva put himself out, along with his wife, for someone who caused the situation? Let the pauper, the person responsible, deal with the fallout for circumstances that he caused!
That is precisely what Mar Ukva learned from Tamar. She could have said there is a problem, but I am not the cause of it. Yehudah should have given his son Shelah to marry her as he had said. He should not have rushed to publicize a verdict. He made the pronouncements. He had erred. Nevertheless, she did whatever she could to save him from shame.[7] Her attitude, which served as the example of Mar Ukva, was the opposite of, “You made your bed; now lie in it.”
How far would we go to protect the honor of someone who caused us hurt? Would we focus on blame or concern for their shame?
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Hershel D. Becker
[1] Vayeshev 38:11
[2] Vayeshev 38:14-16
[3] Vayeshev 38:24
[4] Maharil Diskin Vayeshev
[5] Vayeshev 38:26
[6] Iyun Yaakov Kesuvos 67b
[7] Sefer Lefanav Na’avod pp.515-517